Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
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By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
The booster protects against what, now?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.