I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
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me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.