one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
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A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Happy Caturday!
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
i did the math
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant