Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
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Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
SPLOOT
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
hmmm
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”