[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
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Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
yeet
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!