torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
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GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird