Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
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When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.