Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
You Might Also Like
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.