when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
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On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
⛄️
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them