PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
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interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one