I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
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Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
describing stardew valley
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid