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If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
X-tra spooky blend
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Why font matters.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.