My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
You Might Also Like
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
our love story in four pictures
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.