@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
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I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Sharon I have some bad news
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas