One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
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I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
twitter is a journey
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
is this a warning or an offer?