Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
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Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
For those that worship cheese..
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
this isn’t threatening at all