you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
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Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Unimpressed
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.