ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.