“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
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Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
This a good idea
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”