so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
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How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
why no one uses midhusbands
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”