My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
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Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
The biggest mystery of our time
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?