Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
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If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.