I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
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People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
My god she’s good.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
How it started: How it’s going:
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.