I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
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Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink