Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
You Might Also Like
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
He-man has a Masters degree
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.