If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
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If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Always a metermaid never a meter
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”