When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
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This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
step 6: release the wall snake
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.