If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
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ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
i like to flex on them by shrugging
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.