Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
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The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.