[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
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This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Just so funny
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Well, this explains it:
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack