Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
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Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.