30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
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*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.