I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Natty or not?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Hmmmmm
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
🍞🦆
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.