My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
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absolutely not
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Never forget.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
A dad and his duck
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle