Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
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I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.