Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
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Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
🤣🤣🤣
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube