Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
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If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”