Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
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My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
12653.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Simple enough.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.