If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
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A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.