Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
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I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
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MAX
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.