My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
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In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.