ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
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GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
black phone good
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Seems kinda suspicious
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*