“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
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Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.