I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
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My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.