Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
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i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Seems kinda suspicious
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.