so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
You Might Also Like
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.