[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
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Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am