Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
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bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
@ candidates for local office
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.