seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
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Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I didn’t come here to be called names
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
this is the best day of my life
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.