how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
You Might Also Like
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
At least try to make it slightly believable
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International